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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.