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Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
This is a lousy dating site.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)