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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
<-- Is my name! Isn`t it awesome!?