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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.