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So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.