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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!