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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
I just noticed me saying "LOL" everytime I`m laughing = facebook addict...lmao :)
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
LOOK A UFO! Quick, grab the worst camera money can buy.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Pringles cans should have a twist mechanism like stick deodorant.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"