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They sell Harvard shirts at Target so that’s a good way to save $ 399,984.05.
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?