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Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?