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Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.