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If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Don`t sugar-coat it, I`ll just lick that off....
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/