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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?