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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"