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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(