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If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.