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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
If you come to myspace and twitter about my yahoo, can I google over your facebook?
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis