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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
what if the princess wants to be with bowser, but mario keeps kidnapping her
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.