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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)