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Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.