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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them.
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.