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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there