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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.