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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Match dot com, but for socks.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.