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Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.