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I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
Why is it called cliffhanger and not
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.