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When we are small, our mom`s would use really small forks as spoons to feed us...But what about Chinese moms? Would they use toothpicks?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?