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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.