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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...