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Ya Know?!?......The number of ways I could care less...... is astounding!
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
The New iPhone 7 is coming out in August. If you want a sneak peek of the new iPhone. Take a look at your current iPhone and pretend it cost 200 dollars more.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.