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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
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Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.