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If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
My favorite beer is the next one.
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness