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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping