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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.