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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.