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French people give me the crepes.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.