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They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore