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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.