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Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch