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10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”