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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!