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Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
This patience thing takes forever.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
My mind has a mind of its own.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.