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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
I BRIEFLY had an urge to clean ... but that lasted only 5 minutes .. whew! That was close! Lol
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
Velcro is a ripoff
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.