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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...