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I cant remember the last time i forgot something
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
Soup of the day: Beer
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss