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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.