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I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.