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Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
I like people... From a distance.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.