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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.