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I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.