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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
Where is the button to restart summer?
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.