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Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
Valentines day
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
My favorite part of the movie The Notebook is where I turned it off and watched Terminator 2 instead.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Don’t believe everything you think.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
How`d this get posted?