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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
I drink to make other people interesting.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem