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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.