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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.