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Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?