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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD.
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
“The darndest things.” -kids
This hot fudge sundae hasn`t killed me so it must be making me stronger.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.