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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs