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I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99