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Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there