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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.