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Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom