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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.