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I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
it`s friday o clock
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."