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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.