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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
is ready to have one too many!