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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.