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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.