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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...