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WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
My body needs a refresh button.