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that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional