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I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
The best way to change a woman`s mind is to agree with her.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?