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Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like