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Selfie... Because it`s important to realize that it`s not the photographer who is making you look ugly.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!