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If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"
I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.