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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome