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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.