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We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.