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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.