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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...