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People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Fun Fact: A pizza will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
My body needs a refresh button.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.