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I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.