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Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.