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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I still dunno why they say cats have 9 lives. My cat only eats & sleeps all day long. It has no life at all!
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.