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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…