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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.