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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. LOL. But on the up side, it is fun!! ;)
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.