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Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.