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At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell