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No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?