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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
OMG!! IT`S MONDAY ... What the f*ck do you think comes after Sunday, Sunday JR. ?
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.