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I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually