Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.