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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.