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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?