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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
If Welch’s is 100% Grape Juice, then why the heck do you list 4 other ingredients?
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."