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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.