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To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.