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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.