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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.