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If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.