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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"