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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari