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I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.