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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."