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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.