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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar