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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
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